Blossoms of My Soul

Absolutely Amazing Ride

This is a bit late for a "new years" post, but well sometimes that's just how I roll.  I started this blog a year ago.  My intention was to simply chronicle my journey as a newly single mom in private.  I wrote for a few months before I ever had the courage to tell anyone that this blog even existed.  

Me and my best friends on my wedding day. . .this one resurfaced during Unravelling.  At the time it was painful to look at, now I see it as a part of my journey.  I can look at it and smile...I danced my ass off that night ;0)!!

I began 2011 by taking an e-course that a friend suggested would help me in my self discovery.  The course was Unravelling.  Little did I know that it would only be the first in many e-courses to come, but it was by far the most life changing.  

My word for 2011 was "be".  Susannah's Unravelling course opened up this whole world of people to be who have helped me to "just be".  I had no idea that choosing one little word would have such an impact on me.  Learning to be present in the moment, to have gratitude for my blessings, and knowing that I was right were I was supposed to be each step of the way has been a priceless gift.  I know that my word will stay with me much longer than the span of the year it was "my word".  

One of my many vision boards created ... I'll admit I thought they were totally pointless.  Looking at this now I tear up a bit ...everything in this picture has come to fruition for me.  

 I have chosen a new word for 2012 . . trust.  It took me a while to figure this one out.  The word "balance" was very attractive to me for a while.  It seemed to fit, but I think that it was me staying in my box.  On New Years Eve I was wrestling with the voices . . .you know the ones . . ."the other shoe will drop", "you are happy now, but something will happen to take it all away".  I was completely aware that these voices were keeing me from "being" in the moment.  So my new word came to me . . .trust.  Trust that God has a plan for you and this just might be it.  Trust that you deserve to be happy.  Trust that people CAN show you love without alterior motives.  Trust that you are worth every ounce of love and happiness that you experience.  This "trust" thing is VERY hard for me which is why I decided it had to be my word for 2012.  

 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not into your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your paths."

-Proverbs 3:5-6

Inspiration

I feel compelled to write about the death of Steve Jobs.  Having been a HUGE Apple fan since the very first Apple computer was released (when they were actually called Apples), I want to share my thoughts on his passing.  

 

Last night when I learned of his death I took my iPhone and took pictures of every Apple icon in my home.  I have an iMac, MacBookPro, 2 iPhones, iPod toch, iPod nano touch, iPad, and the very first iPod nano (which now seems huge).  I enjoyed finding all the various icons around my home, and I knew I wanted to do work with them using the skills I've kearned in my Photo Essay Project.  

I learn best by experimentation or play.  I never took a class on how to use any of my Apple products, yet I have always been very good with computers.  The reason that I know so much is because I have experimented and played.  I always found Apple products very easy to "play" with.  For me there has never really been much fear with taking a risk by trying something new.  When working with a PC there is definitely fear for me, fear that the computer will crash, freeze, or I'll delete something really vital to the computer.  Apple products are set up differently.  There is a safety net (I have no idea how it works or what it is) that keeps you from being able to really mess anything up.  And if for some reason something does go wrong (has NEVER happened to me) they have the most amazing customer service to help you out.  

I watched this video this morning.  

http://www.ted.com/talks/steve_jobs_how_to_live_before_you_die.html

After listening to Steve speak it was obvious that his creativity and willingness to take risks was very much a part of the products that he has helped to create.  He is a pioneer, not just creatively, but by being a risk taker.  His products allow us users to be creative and take risks.  

 

I have learned so much just in two weeks that I have been working on the Photo Essay Project using the camera and numerous apps on my iPhone.  I have learned by playing and experimenting.  I have taken risks.  Others have noticed and I am not afraid to say that it feels awesome when someone "likes" one of my photos on Instagram. 

I am actually excited today, the loss of such an authentic legend is sad, but I know that his passing will inspire others to take risks and be bold in their creativity.  Last night I saw some of the most amazing images on instagram giving homage to the late innovator.  I, too, was inspired to create and share my creations with others, complete strangers.  

I feel that if we truly want to pay tribute to such an amazing human being then it is our responsibility to continue to create, take risks and be vulnerable enough to share our gifts with the world. 

(All of the above images were taken with my iPhone4 and edited using various photo editing apps)

Visit my Tumblr site to see more of my creations taken and edited solely using my iPhone.  

 

What Goes Up Must Come Down??

I heard that on the radio today, and of course I have heard it many times before.  I have decided that I just don't like it AT ALL.  I have this internal voice that is so incredibly stong inside of me that tells me that when anything good happens something bad is also about to happen.  I find myself not fully able to be present with the good becasue I am always waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop.  

My brain on bills

I was in a really amazing place about a month ago, and then my youngest was in the hospital with some crazy virus that affected his nervous system.  It was very scary, and while waiting in the ER the voice came.  "Here I am!!"  The voice of despair and hoplessness.  I just knew that my poor son was being punished because I had been experiencing so much happiness.  

You might be thinking that these thoughts are completely insane.  Well I KNOW they are insane, but my mind still does not stop from going there.  As I said last week, the underlying message I am telling myself is that I do not deserve to be happy.  

I know in my head that I DO deserve to be happy, but somewhere in there the evil voice is so loud and so present.  This voice has been draining me for the past month.  I have been feeling so alone, eventhough I am surrounded by loving friends and family.  

Then God put this quote from Eat, Pray, Love in front of me today, "What do I believe I deserve in this life?" BAM, right between the eyes.  I am learning that believing and thinking are totally different thinks.  I think I deserve a great deal of things, but I don't truly believe it.  

I have decided to make my Photo Essay Project about that quote.  What do I deserve?  Not sure how this will pan out.  I would love input on the topic if you have any.  

The Starting Lineup

"You were given life; it is your duty to find something beautiful within life no matter how slight."                                                - Elizabeth Gilbert    Eat, Pray, Love

 

I plan to do this with my iPhone . .find the beauty within life, and work on believing that I deserve to experience it.  

My Captain America

 

All of the photos in this post are from The Photo Essay Project.  My page is over here if you'd like to follow me.  Please do!!

Asking for Help

Recently I have been stressing over that fine line between "is this where I am supposed to be?" and "should I be doing something different?".  It keeps coming up for me . . .EVERYWHERE!  My word for the year as many of you know is "be".  Just be.  Life has been the normal crazy, and I have been in the place of "once this is over ....", "when things finally get back to normal ...".  Fill in the blank with whatever, it doesn't matter because the "blanks" could be anything.  

I need to take care of me NOW.  Not when things settle down, not when I don't have the kids for the weekend, and not tomorrow . . .TODAY... right now!  

       Self Portrait using iPhone and 100Cameras App

I am learning how hard it is for me to ask for help.  I want to do it all on my own.  I want to be strong for everyone.  WHY??  It is so hard for me to say, "yes, I need you to listen to me" or "yes, I just need another adult to be present for me".  I always tell myself "they are too busy", "I don't want to burden them".  I am realizing that what I am really telling myself is "I am not worth it".  DAMN IT!!  YES I AM.  

I working with Bindu Wiles again, this time not with Diamond Cutters, but rather a new endevor of hers.  It's her Photo Essay Project.  I haven't done anything creative in a while, and I am guessing that this has not helped keeping me connected to myself.  It's only been one day and so far I am loving the project.  Most importantly when I am being creative I am connecting with other people, and I can get out of my head long enough to remember to be gentle with myself.  

     

Original picture taken with iPhone

After I filtered with 100 Cameras App

So if I am not here for the next few weeks, it's only becasue I'll be over here playing with Bindu and the rest of the group.  This is the link to my Tumblr page for the project.  And of course it's pink ... yahoo!!

3PK, 4PK and K Pictures  . . .Gulp!!  Used Diptic App

 

 

Open Your Heart

I've been on a blog hiatus this summer.  Frankly I've been having too much fun just living my life.  When I returned from Greece I came home with a renewed sense of joy for life, and the knowledge that I had a lot more living to do.

New friends

When I look back at this past year I see it as the labor of my birth.  I had to walk through the pain, and I did just that . . .I walked into it head on.  I am so grateful for all the people God has put in my life to help me keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Some of you I am blessed to see daily and some of you I have yet to meet, but each one of you has blessed my life in a way I could never imagine.  

 
Boys on family vacation to Jumby Bay

I feel alive for the first time in a VERY long time.  I didn't realize how shut down and isolated I had become.  Living in fear became my norm, and I didn't even know it.  I can now live life without the protective shield to keep the bad away, and it has helped me to let the love in.  It has allowed me to forgive others and most importantly myself.  I am learning that when I keep my walls up to other people, the walls are keeping me out too.  

  Excitement on the first day of school!!

I can now embrace the journey, and I pray that I allow myself to enjoy the ride.  I am so grateful to be able to enjoy this moment, this bliss.  Knowing that life will bring more hardships does not keep me from enjoying this moment.  For me this most important thing is remembering that I am not on this journey alone.  I have faith that if I continue to reach out, open my heart and let the love in that this amazing journey will never end.  

 

“Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure.”

                                                                         -Oprah Winfrey

 

Halfway Thru Summer

This summer is flying by.  Here are some pics because there are no words to describe the craziness and unexpected fun we have had.  My summer started in May with a trip to Greece and Istanbul with my youngest brother.  It was amazing.  

Santorini, Greece  May 2011

 

Mykonos, Greece   May 2011

 

Mykonos, Greece   May 2011

 

Santorini Bookstore

 

Mykonos

 

My brother, Jason, and the Istanbul sunset

 

Spice Market . .these are olives   Istanbul, Turkey

 

Jason and the Blue Mosque

 

Door at Hagia Sophia  Istanbul, Turkey

 

One of the many beautiful Turksih roses

 

Door out of Blue Mosque

Scrabble game by the pool

Evening at the hotel, Ciragan Palace, Istanbul, Turkey

Desperation

Yesterday I was reading an interesting article about the Rapture.  Now normally I would not have even opened the article, but Michelle Vargas had posted it on her tumblr site.  And since I regulary want to reach through the interweb and squeeze her with a great big hug because she either makes me laugh, makes me think, or is just so plain courageous that you can't help but love her . . .I decided I'd read this one.  And of course I liked it because I love articles that give you a different perspective.

It got me thinking of people in times of desperation.  What does desperation feel like?  What does it feel like to you?

If you asked me in a casual conversation if I normally feel desperate I would say no.  But if I was truly honest the answer would be yes.  It's not that I would intentionally be lying, but I just don't think of myself as desperate.  So once again I turn to dictionary.com . . .I think I may be a bit obessed with the formal meaning of words after reading Brene Brown's "The Gift of Imperfections".

des·per·ate  –adjective

1.  reckless or dangerous because of despair  or urgency: a desperate killer.

2. having an urgent need, desire, etc.: desperate for attention.

3. leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous: a desperate illness.

I think that I haven't really associated this word with myself because of that first definition.  YIKES!! That's a strong one . . .and guess what???  . . . all 3 definitions fit.  I was expecting one of the definitions to say something about loss of hope, but DANGEROUS . . .not expecting that one.

 

But there they are, and if I am truly honest I have been living in a place of complete desperation for a while now.  The amount of food that I have put in my body over the last year is DANGEROUS.  I have eaten to the point of pain, so that I don't have to feel the emotional pain.  Or sometimes my body is so shut off that I eat just to feel something.  This act of desperation will kill me if continued. I am blessed that I do not have to live in this place anymore.  For me, hope and faith that things will get better take me out of that awful place.  It doesn't mean that tomorrow or later today I won't sink back there for a while, but I can choose not to stay there.  That is enough for now.  

 
This morning I was charging my Nook for my trip, and I realized that I had so many books in it that I need to add to my Unread Library.  I thought "Why do I have so many books?  There is no way I will ever read ALL of these" . . DING-DONG . . .desperation.  This past year I have has such an urgent need to fix, to find the answer, to be inspired, to find my path out of the darkness that my divorce has brought.  

So rather than sit in judgement of the people who spent their entire life savings preparing for the Rapture, I've decided to sit along side them.  They in fact are no different than I am.  I have gone to great lengths out of desperation to deal with my pain.  I still have the voice in my head that says "If you find the right book, you will have the answers" or the one that says "If you follow all the rules perfectly you will find happiness" or this one "If you take this e-course your life will be changed forver".  Damn that voice ;0)  

They are no more fanatical than I am.  There are lots of other ways that I try to fill the void, numb the pain etc.  But then we'd be here all day.  I find nothing wrong with reading books to inspire, repenting for your sins, or taking fabulous e-courses.  In fact all of those things have helped to get me where I am now, and I know will continue to help me grow as a human.  But when I am in the "desperate" place I tend to get fanatical about all of the above and more that I won't mention.  

 

What are your desperation habits?  

How do you find hope among the darkness?

 “Desperation is sometimes as powerful an inspirer as genius.”

                            -Benjamin Disraeli

Unread Library

I am supposed to be packing.  I have many lists . . what to pack, what to do before I go, what to read etc. The "what to read" list is driving me nutty.  I have purchased WAY too many books in the past couple of months.  For some reason I am putting this pressure on myself to pick the perfect reads for my trip.  To top it all off I have a Nook, so it's not like I can't download a book on my trip.  

So I decided to take a break and read a blog or two.  Of course, one blog lead to another and then I stumbled upon Pancakes and French Fries.  Jules, the author, made a list of all the books in her home that she has intentions of reading but never seems to get around to it.  I laughed out loud (totally at myself).  I don't even want to admit how many books I "intend" to read when I have the time.  Ahh . .time. . will I ever have the time??

I love Jules' committment to read all of the the books on her list before she buys another book.  So I am going to make a list of my own.  I'll update the list as I go.  I'd love to see your list if you have one. Happy reading, and I can't wait to share the pictures from my trip when I get back.  

My Unread Library

1. Women Who Run with Wolves | Clarissa Pinkola Estes
2. The Happiness Project | Grethcen Rubin
3. The Alchemist | Paul Coelho
4. Room | Emma Donoghue
5.  The Dance | Oriah
6. When Things Fall Apart | Pema Chodron
7.  Another Bullshit Night in Suck City | Nick Flynn
8.  You Suck | Christopher Moore
9.  Course in Weight Loss | Marianne Williamson
10.  The War of Art | Steven Pressfield
11. Overcoming Binge Eating | Christopher Fairburn
12. Crave | Cynthia M. Bulik
13. I Thought It Was Just Me | Brene Brown
14. Everyone Is Beautiful | Katherine Center
15. Life is a Verb | Patti Digh
16. Power of Now | Eckhart Tolle
17. The Shack | William Paul Young
18. The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo | Stieg Larsson
19. When You are Englufed in Flames | David Sedaris
20. Why We Suck | Denis Leary
21. Witch and Wizard | James Patterson
22. Half Broke Horses | Jeanette Walls
23. What the Dog Saw | Malcom Gladwell
24. Best Friends Forever | Jennifer Weiner
25. Sing You Home | Jodi Picoult

I promise to add more . . .when I am not supposed to be packing . .ha!

θα σε δω σύντομα (see you soon) in Greek ;0)

Change

Fear seems to be circling it's wagons around me lately.  Life continues to move forward. Change is scary, even when it is for the better.  I picture the "change" as looming on the sidelines just waiting to strike.  If I step back from what seems to be my "go to" feeling whenever change is emminent, I see that fear does not belong here.  So I looked up looming on dictionary.com.

 

 

Looming [loo-ming]  –noun     a mirage in which objects below the horizon seem to be raised above their true positions.

 

 

This was the first definition that was listed.  I didn't need to read furthur.  When I am feeling anxious about change the fear comes from my own mind making things bigger, harder, more complicated than they are in reality.  

 

 My Mother's Day peony

 

For instance, I am preparing for an amazing trip to the Greek Isles and Turkey with my younger brother.  I have been beyond excited, and find myself daydreaming about relaxing, taking pictures, and having a blast with my crazy, fun brother.  The trip is less than 2 weeks away.  While I am still excited I am feeling more stressed and anxious.  The idea of getting everything I need to get done at work before I leave, getting everything I need for the trip and preparing for my children's childcare is weighing me down.  I am definitely feeling the "to do list" looming over my head.

I have a choice.  I can stay in the "oh poor me, I have so much to do", "I'll never get it all done", "I won't have the right stuff for the trip" place.  OR I can step back, blink, and realize most of what is weighing me down is simply a mirage.  

 

I am going to Greece and Turkey . . .HOLY CRAP . . .YAHOOO!!!

 

 

Took this picture of myself after I bought my plane ticket.  Yes, excitement would be an understatement!!

 

I have to acknowledge that yes I have had a great deal of change going on.  I recently decided not to go back to work for the next school year.  I am going to stay home with Austin and take time to heal myself emotionally and physically.  While this is good positive change, it is still draped with fear.  If I can recognize what is causing the fear, distinguish between the reality and the mirage in my mind, and let go of what I cannot control then  . . .breathe . . .the fear will itself change.  

 

The same peony above, 24 hours later.  

 

So I think of this awesome excerpt from "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson.

 

 “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 

 When I am in a place of fear I am balled up just like the peony (1st photo).  It is  beautiful and full of potential.  It's color is also very dark and rich.  As it blooms you can see the many, many layers what were just waiting to be released.  As I lean into fear, I recognize all of the gifts that I have been given.  The ones I am familiar with and ones that I am discovering for the first time.  If I stay in fear, I stay balled up in a place where I cannot share my gifts with others.  As the peony continues to open up and reveal it's layers, it begins to lose it deep color.  The color gets lighter until it is almost white, but it never loses its beauty.  

 

  

 Same peony as flowers above.  

 

Change is a beautiful thing.

It Takes A Village

I have always heard the phrase "it takes a village" and I never really thought much about it until I became a single mother.  Looking back I have always relied on the help of others to help raise my children, but I didn't truly understand this at the time.  

My first year teaching I received a Mother's Day card from one of the boys in my classroom.  Inside the card was a note from his mother, "Thank you for helping to raise my son.  You get to spend 8 hours a day with him during the week.  It is so much more than the few hours I have with him each day.  I am so blessed to have you in his life."  I was floored.  I never thought about the amount of time that I had been gifted to "help raise" her son.  That card changed the way I thought of each of my students.  This precious time I had with them was so important.  

Now I have my own children, and I call on many people in my life both family and friends to help me.  I get overwhelmed often, but I always know there is someone I can call for help.  I also remember to let the people in my children's life know how much I appreciate them esp. their teachers.  I try to write a meaningful card to each of them every Mother's Day.

I write all of this because last night as I was "I can't do . . ."  "I'll never  . . ." and "If I do succeed I'll never be able to keep it up", a voice came "It takes a village".  Never before had I thought of applying it to myself.  I thought of all the people I interact with daily that give me so much light and love.  They ARE my village . . DUH!!!  

                                                                            Self Portrait

My mind was racing.  It was thinking of the fortune cookie game.  You know the one where you add "in bed" to the end of everyone's fortune and you laugh out loud hysterically.   Yes, that one.  I was repeating all the things I had just said to myself except I added "alone".  For instance, "I will never lose this weight . . alone."  BINGO . . .let's try another.  "If I lose the weight I will never keep it off . . .alone!"  

I need a village too.  I have a village.  With my village I can DO ANYTHING!!  HUZZAH!