For five whole days in a row I have not used food to numb. This is huge for me, and I am doing my own celebration dance. When I sat down to write I was not planning on talking about food. I don't talk about food. Well, at least I do not typically speak my truth about food.
I was planning to write about some other "aha" that came to me during Mass on Wednesday. Whatever it was I now cannot, for the life of me, remember. My issue with food is shouting at me right now, so I will try to give it a voice.
I am 35 years old and I don't ever remember a time in my life when food wasn't an issue for me. This is the one area of my life where I still feel like people just don't get it. I have an eating disorder, not just a weight problem. I am a compulsive over-eater, and the women that I relate the most to are those who have suffered from anorexia. This may sound very strange to you, but what we have in common is a very unhealthy obsession with food.
I fear that talking about my relationship with food will cause people to not like me. Here is the craziest part, I cannot hide my addiction. I wear it everyday. I carry this enormous weight around with me everyday, yet somehow I think I am cleverly fooling everyone by not talking about it. I go to great lengths to hide the food I consume, but no amount of Spanx can hide 260 lbs. Yes, I said it ...260 lbs. I am only 5'3". I gained 50 of those pounds in the last six months. I ate until I could physically feel pain. It was easier to feel that pain than to feel the feelings that came after my separation.
Today I am leaning into the pain, the discomfort, the uncertainty. It totally SUCKS, but I am going to do it anyway. Eventhough my eyes are heavy from so many tears, I feel the smile in my heart, the love bursting from my chest and I know I am going to be okay. I wanted to eat so badly last night for comfort, to numb out completely. I was able to breathe and I heard my own voice say "There are so many reasons I could just go nuts right now and stuff myself til it hurts. I have more reasons, better reasons, to choose not to." And I didn't. The tears came instead, and I am so grateful for them.
I am grateful for all of the people who have shown me love and acceptance,and who have taught me how to begin this healing process through love.
Jen - I so admire your courage in expressing these feelings here. I too have secret numbing mechanisms, but I'm not yet brave enough to share them as you have here. HOORAY for you!! I've truly loved seeing your words and pictures at WishBig camp.
keep the faith - follow your dreams!!
Posted by: Dragonfly Reflections | 03/22/2011 at 08:10 PM
Thank you. I find that when I share my secrets they lose their power. But I have to make sure I share them in a safe environment. If you are ever ready to share I am always here. Your comment is such a blessing to me.
YAY wishBIG camp. See you round the campire ;0)!
Posted by: Jenn Granger | 03/23/2011 at 06:43 AM