Fear seems to be circling it's wagons around me lately. Life continues to move forward. Change is scary, even when it is for the better. I picture the "change" as looming on the sidelines just waiting to strike. If I step back from what seems to be my "go to" feeling whenever change is emminent, I see that fear does not belong here. So I looked up looming on dictionary.com.
Looming [loo-ming] –noun a mirage in which objects below the horizon seem to be raised above their true positions.
This was the first definition that was listed. I didn't need to read furthur. When I am feeling anxious about change the fear comes from my own mind making things bigger, harder, more complicated than they are in reality.
For instance, I am preparing for an amazing trip to the Greek Isles and Turkey with my younger brother. I have been beyond excited, and find myself daydreaming about relaxing, taking pictures, and having a blast with my crazy, fun brother. The trip is less than 2 weeks away. While I am still excited I am feeling more stressed and anxious. The idea of getting everything I need to get done at work before I leave, getting everything I need for the trip and preparing for my children's childcare is weighing me down. I am definitely feeling the "to do list" looming over my head.
I have a choice. I can stay in the "oh poor me, I have so much to do", "I'll never get it all done", "I won't have the right stuff for the trip" place. OR I can step back, blink, and realize most of what is weighing me down is simply a mirage.
I am going to Greece and Turkey . . .HOLY CRAP . . .YAHOOO!!!
Took this picture of myself after I bought my plane ticket. Yes, excitement would be an understatement!!
I have to acknowledge that yes I have had a great deal of change going on. I recently decided not to go back to work for the next school year. I am going to stay home with Austin and take time to heal myself emotionally and physically. While this is good positive change, it is still draped with fear. If I can recognize what is causing the fear, distinguish between the reality and the mirage in my mind, and let go of what I cannot control then . . .breathe . . .the fear will itself change.
The same peony above, 24 hours later.
So I think of this awesome excerpt from "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
When I am in a place of fear I am balled up just like the peony (1st photo). It is beautiful and full of potential. It's color is also very dark and rich. As it blooms you can see the many, many layers what were just waiting to be released. As I lean into fear, I recognize all of the gifts that I have been given. The ones I am familiar with and ones that I am discovering for the first time. If I stay in fear, I stay balled up in a place where I cannot share my gifts with others. As the peony continues to open up and reveal it's layers, it begins to lose it deep color. The color gets lighter until it is almost white, but it never loses its beauty.
Same peony as flowers above.
Change is a beautiful thing.
It is indeed! Scary and amazing at the same time. It is also a great reminder that we are alive, living and breathing. Lean into it and have an absolutely fabulous time in Greece and Turkey!
Posted by: Meg | 05/15/2011 at 10:56 AM
You are on an incredible journey! I love you example and definition of looming in relation to fear. That rings pretty dang true for me as well. I am so so excited to hear about your trip when you return.
Posted by: Celina Wyss | 05/15/2011 at 05:49 PM